she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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