idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
