I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
