I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
