oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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