Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
