she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
