i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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