he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
