Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
