Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
