I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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