my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
