shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
