rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
