if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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