new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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