My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
