When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
His hands were made for my vagina.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
