You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Text me some of your sweat
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