and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
