I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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