I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i've created a new STD.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I need a beard to bite.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
