I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
