The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
