If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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