Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
