you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
