Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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