I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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