I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
