Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
