No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
