how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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