So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
