I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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