u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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