I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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