He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
