My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
