In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
