I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
