Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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