he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
