Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
