I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
