she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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