This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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