Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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