Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
