There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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