well I can't set my house on fire every night
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
