New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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