Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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