Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize