The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
