Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
