oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
