I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
