I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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