They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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