This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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