I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
