hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
